tick tock

second, minute, hour,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
hour, day, week,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
week, month, year,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
tick,
tick,
tick,
forward.
tick,
tick,
tick,
forward.
always moving onward.
winter, spring, summer, autumn,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
winter, spring, summer, autumn,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
always moving onward.
life spans begin, life spans end,
tides ebb, tides flow,
steady intervals, steady tempos,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
tick,
tick,
tick,
...silence.

~written by me

Welcome to ChaosChildArtistry.com!

I have been opening WordPress again and again, trying to write this post, the first post of the blog, and have kept failing. Because of anxiety. And perfectionism. I want it to be right and have everything that it is “supposed to” have in it. The thing is… that will never happen. I will always forget something, or be awkward somewhere. Because that is who I am. I am awkward and I make mistakes. I am human.

So, what do I want to do with this blog? Honestly, right now, I don’t know. I still wonder, myself, where I want to take it, what direction I want to go, and what content I want to include. The blog may evolve over time, but I do know that I want it to stay within the mental health awareness and education arena, no matter what I end up doing in the long run. I may review movies or books, I may stick to blogging about my personal life and experiences, I hope to post my art and writing and pictures of my emotional support animal, and I may even free-write based on quotes or poems. Who knows… I might end up doing all of the above, at some point.

Alrighty then, let’s get to it!

I am certifiably crazy. Okay, so not really. I actually hate the word crazy, with a passion. It feels like a humiliating and demoralizing insult that is often used in the form of a joke, and the person saying it does not realize that they are being rude and mean at all. No one seems to understand the way that word comes across to the person it is being used to describe, often times. Hmph, tangent finished. Back to the point.

I have several psychiatric diagnoses. I have included a page with more detailed explanations of each one, but I will give a brief descriptions here. There is a link to the aforementioned page at the top of this page (and every page on this blog).

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and Agoraphobia. These are all usually characterized my worrying uncontrollably, and sometimes will lead to avoidance behaviors. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which for me is intrusive images that I obsess over, that I then have to engage in a compulsive behavior to get the images to leave. This is just one way the OCD can present. There is also hand washing, cleaning, checking behaviors (which I also have to a large extent), and other ways. Another diagnosis I have been given is Schizoaffective, Depressive type. Schizoaffective is pretty much psychosis and mood disturbances, either only depression or including manic episodes as well. The last diagnosis in my list is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, with severe Dissociation. PTSD happens when a traumatic event or series of events occur to a person and their brain does not process the trauma correctly, in the moment. It is characterized by flashbacks, nightmares, jumpiness, guilt and blame, depression, and panic attacks. For some people, including me, dissociation and depersonalization happen also. Everything, including myself, seems fake. I get tunnel vision. Some people will describe dissociation as floating above their body and watching what is happening. All in all, it is a strange sensation, that I would not wish on anyone.

And that is the main reason I want the essence of the blog to be mental health awareness and education, regardless of the material I decide to write about or include in the blog. My experience with mental illness and my struggle to overcome the hardships that come with it have encouraged me to create this blog, and I hope to use it to encourage others to continue to fight against their own struggles.

Thank you so much for coming by my little corner of the internet and I hope you swing by again!