Blog Posts

tick tock

second, minute, hour,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
hour, day, week,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
week, month, year,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
tick,
tick,
tick,
forward.
tick,
tick,
tick,
forward.
always moving onward.
winter, spring, summer, autumn,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
winter, spring, summer, autumn,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
always moving onward.
life spans begin, life spans end,
tides ebb, tides flow,
steady intervals, steady tempos,
tick, tock, goes the clock.
tick,
tick,
tick,
...silence.

~written by me

tears (a poem)

tears of pain
tears of sorrow
grieving and distress
whimpering
weeping
wailing
a breakdown
a moment
a memory long gone
an emptiness
an ache
a longing
tears of pain
tears of sorrow
ruby red flows out
floods
gushes
from some tears
while other tears
simply fall
stream down the cheeks

~written by me

Tracking can help…

When depression strikes, all motivation and energy to do the things that I need to get done just evaporate. It seems, with them, all words and the ability to explain myself and how I am feeling go up in smoke as well. I have been wanting to post on here for over a month, and just have not been able to get the words to come into my brain and through my hands into the keyboard.

The difficulty with words and explaining my mood and how I am doing in general extends into therapy and psychiatry appointments as well. I have had such a hard time explaining where my head has been to my therapist and psychiatrist, in general and even specifically. For this reason, I actually use two different apps, on my phone, to monitor my mood, activities, behaviors, etc. everyday, to help me keep track of how I am in a way that doesn’t really require words, necessarily.

Daylio, one of the apps that I use, can be highly personalized. The titles for the moods in the first picture are actually words I chose. You can also change the emojis used for the moods. In the second picture, the different items that are there to mark whether they happened that day (tapping the picture selects the item, signifying that it did happen) were added by me, or picked by me from the app’s preloaded selections. This app also keeps track of the data and calculates detailed statistics, noting which items are most often together, which items happen with which moods the most, and you can go through and look up nearly any combination you need or want. Even which activities happen together the most. For example, with my activities, I could see if I am often anxious when I have class, or angry when I deal with family, but also see if video games/reading/writing often go along with better moods…

And I plan to go into the second app in my next post.

BTW, this was not sponsored in anyway. I find this app extremely helpful and wanted to share, hoping that someone else may be able to get something from it as well.

Thank you so much for coming by my little corner of the internet and I hope you swing by again!

Welcome to ChaosChildArtistry.com!

I have been opening WordPress again and again, trying to write this post, the first post of the blog, and have kept failing. Because of anxiety. And perfectionism. I want it to be right and have everything that it is “supposed to” have in it. The thing is… that will never happen. I will always forget something, or be awkward somewhere. Because that is who I am. I am awkward and I make mistakes. I am human.

So, what do I want to do with this blog? Honestly, right now, I don’t know. I still wonder, myself, where I want to take it, what direction I want to go, and what content I want to include. The blog may evolve over time, but I do know that I want it to stay within the mental health awareness and education arena, no matter what I end up doing in the long run. I may review movies or books, I may stick to blogging about my personal life and experiences, I hope to post my art and writing and pictures of my emotional support animal, and I may even free-write based on quotes or poems. Who knows… I might end up doing all of the above, at some point.

Alrighty then, let’s get to it!

I am certifiably crazy. Okay, so not really. I actually hate the word crazy, with a passion. It feels like a humiliating and demoralizing insult that is often used in the form of a joke, and the person saying it does not realize that they are being rude and mean at all. No one seems to understand the way that word comes across to the person it is being used to describe, often times. Hmph, tangent finished. Back to the point.

I have several psychiatric diagnoses. I have included a page with more detailed explanations of each one, but I will give a brief descriptions here. There is a link to the aforementioned page at the top of this page (and every page on this blog).

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and Agoraphobia. These are all usually characterized my worrying uncontrollably, and sometimes will lead to avoidance behaviors. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which for me is intrusive images that I obsess over, that I then have to engage in a compulsive behavior to get the images to leave. This is just one way the OCD can present. There is also hand washing, cleaning, checking behaviors (which I also have to a large extent), and other ways. Another diagnosis I have been given is Schizoaffective, Depressive type. Schizoaffective is pretty much psychosis and mood disturbances, either only depression or including manic episodes as well. The last diagnosis in my list is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, with severe Dissociation. PTSD happens when a traumatic event or series of events occur to a person and their brain does not process the trauma correctly, in the moment. It is characterized by flashbacks, nightmares, jumpiness, guilt and blame, depression, and panic attacks. For some people, including me, dissociation and depersonalization happen also. Everything, including myself, seems fake. I get tunnel vision. Some people will describe dissociation as floating above their body and watching what is happening. All in all, it is a strange sensation, that I would not wish on anyone.

And that is the main reason I want the essence of the blog to be mental health awareness and education, regardless of the material I decide to write about or include in the blog. My experience with mental illness and my struggle to overcome the hardships that come with it have encouraged me to create this blog, and I hope to use it to encourage others to continue to fight against their own struggles.

Thank you so much for coming by my little corner of the internet and I hope you swing by again!